eXoenix:

­­So, here I sit my heart in wraps. I’m feeling kind of blue just thinking about my future. I have so many things going for me on my current path. Even so I still have yearnings for my old life. That life was on the fast track for death, which, I do not miss. I do on the other hand miss some of the relationships I used to entertain while on that path. Some genuinely good people trying to get by with the large blinders that society and culture has placed over their eyes which are unknown to their hosts. That is what saddens me so much about them. I always knew that there was something better out there then what was placed in front of me with the tag claiming it was everything. I knew deep down that I was created for more. I feel though that most people do not have the same instinctual feeling in their soul like me. To know that there is hope, a purpose, a reason to live for each and everyone on this whole planet. That fact brings an unearthly sorrow to my spirit.

I wish so much life and happiness for all those people whom, over the course of my life, have become ingrained into my memory. Some images are stronger in my mind, those people where the ones who I was graced to have in my life for extended periods of time. When I reflect on those faces I see the sorrow, confusion, even bitterness that life has presented them. There is so much more out there, a basis for life, a cause worth dying for. I wish I had then what I have now, the inner joy that exudes from every pore, something to grasp a hold of, to cling onto, the only reason to live. Even now I wish to go show them everything I have learned; nevertheless I know I will not be able to accomplish anything on my own. My friends would have to be searching for more, they will still see me as the person I always was. Every flaw would still be glaring in their mind; I would be ineffective simply because I have lived a selfish life. To have my failures limit, possibly to have destroyed, any chance for my friends to find the only answer, my soul weeps.

All I hope from this point on is I am able to live out the life that makes a difference in everyone that I meet. To see in me a glimmer, like as in a dream, that small trace of hope for life. To begin to grope through the fog to reveal the hidden and feared void that is in each and every person. For them to become consciously aware that within me is the answer that their soul screams for. To live that life is going to be unlike anything people know. There are negligible manuals, few teachers, and scarce training to live, not for yourself, to instead lay your life down for others.